This blog is about one person and his fictional experience about feeling suicidal. This has nothing to do with any general idea of Suicide. If this touches you in any way, let me know. If this brings emotions in you, do something about it, if you find a lonely person reach out to him or her.Stay available, talk, that’s the best first aid you can offer a suicidal person. If you have similar content then this page will publish it as long as it can help prevent suicide. If you are a non profit organisation we would feature your profile and helpline number here. If you are a survivor share your story here in comment box or mail us, Together we can try to help each other.
Walk in to the mind of a suicidal person. Suicide word will definitely catch your attention. Death by suicide can be sometimes soul shaking for others, especially it comes in an unexpected form and for least expected person. A young boy from Mumbai committed suicide at a very young age recently, my close friend committed suicide recently. Suicide by definition is willful act of taking ones life by himself. Well ideally people with mental illness, Substance abuse, Drug addiction are prone to Suicidal tendency. But people who don’t have it also commit suicide. Suicidal depression, hopelessness and lot of other factors can be the reason for suicide attempt.
In 46 years of my life, first suicide i remember was of My friend jaikumar Somans father.The latest one is by my good friend Girish. Few days back a young boy Manmath also died and the list goes on and on with each passing day. Suicide makes a big news. Lot of criticism is thrown at parents, society, and all angles of parenting is discussed. Technology is blamed. Everything is available, parents give best to their kids and still they commit suicide is the common tone of the people.
Only one thing is missing from the whole discussion. The point of view of the person who committed the suicide. What goes on in a suicidal mind is something you will never know. What were his last thoughts? Was he worried? Was he depressed? What was he thinking before making that suicidal attempt? Only that person really knows why he did what he did. Rest all are simply assumptions.
You need to survive the thoughts, the situations, events for one day. Tomorrow will be a new day.
Thoughts will come and go, situations change, people change and change is what we need to look forward to seemingly hopeless situations. help others to get help, talk to people, reach out more.
Things will change.
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Let me take you through a narrative experience which will bring you closer to one suicidal mind which has survived the attempt before he almost died. With mental disorders and a self harming tendency, This person survived 3 more decades with several non serious suicide attempts and leads a normal life in spite of all odds. I’m sharing a real person’s experiences here, if you are not comfortable reading, please stop now.
How big is your world? Your answer may be your family, your friends, your job, could be a long list. My answer is, “my exact situation is my world”. This very moment is my world. I’m nothing bigger than this world and nothing less.
Please remember your answer to these questions, because they will help you understand the topic of Suicide from My point of View. Let me take you through my mind and give you a glimpse of what happens in my mind.
Now my reason why asked you, “How big is your world? Have you ever felt a situation where it is you against the entire world?” You probably have not.
Some hopelessness? Some Disappointment? End of the road? A disease? Troubled people? Debt? Or simply a sense of independence over everything? Have you ever felt that world is a thing or a person. World is defeating you in each situation,cornering you,leaving you with no choices.
Then i realize that I am powerful enough through my mind that I can defeat it with one action of suicide? Do you have tremendous confidence that you can solve the situation or make it better with what you truly have, Your body, Your Soul.
And with any situation, immaterial of the content, you decide to defeat the universe by trying to take your life, ideally you win because not everyone can fight world with their own life.
I’m not sure if you are getting this, let me get you through a situation.
This was year 1989, I was studying in my 2 nd year of Polytechnic. Lot of things were occupying my mind, my family, their aspirations that I will change their life, my exam, my newly made girlfriend, lost hopes of my school sweetheart, lack of money for education, lack of emotional support, disagreement with a close friend and literally it was a fight between me and the world. I was hardly 17 then. Everything was too much to handle.
Slowly I started drifting away in to my world. I was well read boy with over 500+ books before I passed 10th, above average, smartest in my family and a brain to envy for. I was self-sufficient for my social needs, didn’t need people or things because of what I knew through books. I was content. at that point my human connect was very limited.
I knew my situation. I knew that it had no solution, So I decided to defeat the world with one quick decision. I was not mentally sick, rather I was fully aware and conscious of things going on in my life and its consequences. I was sure to crack and break all barriers with time. And only problem was that I was short of time.
That night I stayed in College hostel, had a drink. Morning when the roommates went away for classes, I took a shaving blade and slit my wrist. The first cut went through the skin leaving a redline of blood. I pushed the blade harder next time to find out that there is fiber like individual threads which needs to be cut individually. Shaving blade can’t hold its position and cuts only when held at corner with a very small portion, so With further repeated cuts and more pressure my wrist started opening up from the place where i cut it.
After some more cuts, I cut something soft and blood started rushing out. The flow was smooth and regular. It formed a big drop first and then it started to flow on the inner side of my wrist. I was watching it for the first time. It amazed me. Felt like I had achieved something. In this whole world my body and my soul was something which belonged to me and I was using it to defeat the world.
To avoid mess, I started collecting the blood in the bottle from yesterday night. I was fully awake and knew what I was doing at that time. I was happy, I was defeating the world.
I was about to lose my consciousness, then someone came in that room, so I ran out leaving a trail of flowing blood. Once out of hostel I ran at the back of my hostel where railway tracks plied trains. I desperately wanted to end this, so I ran with all I got, till some railway employees saw me running with a bleeding hand, they started to chase me with and I ran the other side. Meanwhile other students from hostel who were chasing me caught hold of me. Tied a cloth around my wrist and bundled me up to a doctor just in time.
4 stiches later my wrist had stopped bleeding and Doctor Natarajan Iyer was lecturing me on how to live. I remember he told me about Gita and Krishna that day and how life was important and it should not be given away like this.
I clearly remember that, I was aware of its consequences, and I knew the outcome. I was smart for I always knew the risk it involved. I was winning, I was defeating the world by putting the only thing I had as my own at stake, MY OWN LIFE. That’s all was my only ammunition and I used it.
This is not about being sad or wrong or being happy or unhappy.
This was the first incidence, in repeated events over next 3 decades I have touched death innocently and on purpose many times. By 21 I had realized that death is a truth and I can play with it anytime I want to in a wrong way. I survived to tell you this.
I swam across a river knowing that I wouldn’t last even 10 meters, travelled unknown zones on bike, cut my wrist several times, have tied noose with towel several times in my bathroom over family disputes , got over alcoholism, drug addiction and got in to fierce street fights several times where death brushed me by inches. Why did I do all this? Frankly I didn’t know, today when I look back one thing I can clearly tell that I was never afraid, I was prepared and knew what I was getting in to. I knew the results it would bring at end and cost I would have to pay. Yet I chose to live that life. I loved living on edge, that was my kick.
The saddest part was I didn’t feel like taking help as I felt I was capable enough to help myself. When finally help came I was not in a position to accept, because I looked at it as defeat. Mind plays tricks with you when you are going through a rough time.
After suicide an image is portrayed if of a troubled guy who couldn’t face the world, Couldn’t take responsibility, Or somebody who could not take it anymore, a picture of hopelessness is also there. Or, then there is someone like me, who is ready to put his life on line just like that.
Later in my life I started frequenting with this kind of situations, and I decided to take help because couple of times I was almost on the last step. I went to a doctor and told him that I was having suicidal thoughts and I was trying to find a way to overcome suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which gives me impulsive behavior in gift and comes with suicidal tendency as a factory setting in my brain. All the acts described above just were the part of package, till the time I slowly started identifying suicidal behavior as a life threat. Stopping was difficult as I didn’t care much for my own life.
Suicidal thoughts depression, Feeling Suicidal, Depression and inability to lead a normal life has been a part of my life since last 3 decades. Only difference is I choose not to act on it with the help of My Doctor and My Psychiatrist. Medicines help, but understanding helps a lot.
problem was Isolation and refusal to accept help, which never let people around me find out that I had a problem. Neither did I.
Looking back, I’m surprised, and happy to be living through these 3 decades. Each day morning when I wake up I thank god for one more day in my life and proceed to live through it.By mid morning I wish to give up and then I divert myself to something else.
I will say this works and is successful in prevention of suicidal attempts because I managed to live on for this much time. Yes Still today I feel suicidal, but I know that I will not commit suicide today.
I know that making sense out of this is difficult for a lot of people, but believe me this is true. In the whole article I have not spoken about anyone, not even my parents, not even society, not even the year, no education, no money because they don’t matter. For me what I think matters, what I can do matters and I have to live through it everyday irrespective of the environment outside.
How can you use this information?
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I wish I had been more aware about my emotions like happiness , sadness, Hurt, then I would have dealt with them differently. Depression will come, bad times will come, suicidal thoughts will come and openness and awareness can be helpful to a large extent in dealing them. A good doctor can help, provided you know that you need help.
In my case I was not aware that I was going through this, so wish I could have been more aware about this topic, then I could have started an early treatment.
Most of the time we choose to give up on person, and that also can be a mistake. A sick person needs medicine and attention, same is with a suicidal person. Patience can save a life, and patience is not available in any shop.
Hope is one more thing which people offer without a plan of action. Without a plan of action Hope is just a vague thing. Hence we need to tell the person that there are no shortcuts to returning back to normal life. Hardships must be faced, and with time everything will heal.
Seek help & support & help and support when sought.
24×7 Helpline: 91-22-27546669
This blog is about one person and his fictional experience. This has nothing to do with any general idea of Suicide. If this touches you in any way, let me know. If this brings emotions in you, do something about it, if you find a lonely person reach out to him.
firstname.lastname@example.org Mobile / Whatsapp:+91-97670 528 78
Stay available, talk, that’s the best first aid you can offer a suicidal person. If you have similar content then this page will publish it as long as it can help prevent suicide. If you are a non profit organisation we would feature your profile and helpline number here. If you are a survivor share your story here.
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